The Asshole Checklist

Something horrific happened to a loved one, the result today being a strong desire to insult some of the many losers who infest and infect this world. Each is scored on a 1 to 10 scale for Stupidity, Hatefulness, Mental Imbalance, and Naiveté (a better excuse than most but not good enough). If you don't like it, the poop buffet opens at 11 AM.

Nazis, The Klan, & Militia Groups: We owe these cretins only what they want to do to others. Why we extend any rights to those who wish to turn this country into a big concentration camp is beyond me. The Klan are inbred American redneck nazis. Militia groups are paranoid failures with no control over their own lives so they fantasize strength via guns and perverse notions of freedom and country. Nazis are insane. To be so filled with hatred is a dementia not worthy of our tolerance, time or understanding. Stupidity-10, Hatefulness-10, Mental Imbalance-10. Naivete-0.

Anti-American Americans: The last thing I'll ever be is a flag-waving America-Right-Or-Wrong patriot, but I'm amazed how much time and energy punk spends on hating everything about their own country, from television to advertising to consumer culture to race relations to politics to economics. Sure everything sucks, how else to explain why you're a loser, but I'm sure it's better in the socialist/anarchist/pacifist paradise existing somewhere between Unicorn Land and the lump of wet stool you call a brain. If the U.S. is the worst place in the world, and all you can do is bitch about how much you hate it, leave! Go somewhere you'll be happy, be it Cuba for the socialists, India for the pacifists, or for the anarchists anywhere that allows random rage-filled destruction of property. Don't live here thinking you're a provocateur helping bring down The System from within. You're a piss stain on the fabric of a country that for the most part ignores you. Know why Vietnam vets still hate Jane Fonda? During the war she actively supported killing American soldiers. The Vietnam War was a disaster we fought in the honorable name of defeating communism, but to visit the enemy and openly support their efforts is treason. Jane Fonda was the same hypocrite who did the "Tomahawk Chop" during Atlanta Braves games. During The Gulf War I watched so-called peace punks openly advocate the wholesale slaughter of American troops as a lesson to our evil government. For the first time in my life I was ashamed to be associated with punk. Gnome Crapsky is much more than intellectually hypocritical; he’s an apologist for genocide. Stupidity-8. Hatefulness-8. Mental Imbalance-5. Naivete-10.

Proselytizers: Proselytizing is when you try to convert others to another religion or way of thinking. Anytime someone preaches or lectures to you that your only salvation is through a religion, political system, colon cleansing, punk rock, etc. – run.. That's proselytizing, and I hate that. Keep your dogmatic opinions to yourselves unless asked. Straight Edge saved your life and you want the world to know it? Give a speech at an AA meeting. Don't walk around like you're better than everyone else. Capitalism sucks so go crusty? Take a bath. If people have a need let them come to you, don't get into people's faces with I-Have-All-The-Answers crap. Stupidity-8. Hatefulness-4. Mental Imbalance-7. Naivete-8.

The Jerry Springer Show: Need proof we're a country filled with shameless degenerates and illiterate losers? Turn on Jerry, where the weight scales start at 200 pounds and the IQs hover near 56. Cheating on your wife with a transvestite? Why not tell her on national freaking television? Enjoy wearing a diaper and playing with your own feces? Think your mother is a whore and you want her to stop? Are you pregnant and proud to be a heroin addict? Shout it out! Enjoying Springer is a sign of, at best, your own amorality and indifference. The difference between loving the show and actually being the losers you're laughing at is a matter of opportunity. Enjoyment is approval. Human cows beat each other nd the audience chants "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!" like he's their god for bringing lunacy into their tiny lives of failure andbarely repressed hatreds. Don't get me wrong, whatever an adult and consenting farm animal does is their own business, but kinks on the Springer show are represented by cretins and lowlifes who have no redeeming balance in their lives. If you enjoy other people's misery you yourself are a cruel bastard. Don't hide behind the human comedy angle either, scumbag. Get some therapy. Stupidity-10. Hatefulness-8. Mental Imbalance-7. Naivete-0.

Drug Users: I have little pity for those who get arrested for dealing drugs or who die from overdoses. For every action there's a reaction, and if you screw up out of weakness don't look for my pity. Selling drugs is illegal. Should drug dealing be illegal? I lean towards no, but I do know if you knowingly break a law you shouldn't act surprised once you get caught. As far as death by overdose – boo-freakin’-hoo! I… don't… care. Everyone has it tough. Everyone has days they feel like killing themselves and the world. The difference between losers and winners is the ability not to let life turn you into a monster, so if life sucks and you shoot heroin it’s not my problem. If you want to kill yourself do it alone, quickly and quietly. Don't be a living cold sore on the lip of society. If you become an addict you are a loser who deserves the opportunity for rehabilitation but not an ounce of pity for your weakness. We've created an entire layer of homeless by releasing the mentally ill in droves from institutions. Cancer and disease kill innocents every day. I couldn’t care less if a rock star mixes the wrong drugs with booze. Screw ‘em. Good, I hope it happens regularly so we'll have less spoiled millionaire ids in the world. As far as pot goes, I think it's like hippies - dumb yet harmless, but don’t expect to have your habit paid for you by welfare just because you figured out the 9 to 5 game is for suckers. The hemp movement is a laugh, as if nobody sees it's a back-door ploy to legalize pot smoking. Stupidity-10. Hatefulness-2. Mental Imbalance-8. Naivete-7.

Libertarians: They believe in complete corporate and personal freedom. They're the "useful idiots" of politics because conservatives embrace them when they rant about the joys of a free-market economy but hate them when they advocate drug use and free love. Liberals love their concept of personal freedom but freak out once Libertarians promote a world where giant corporations rule and workers have no rights. Their absolutist ideology invalidates their disclaimer of "The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins." In this instance 90% of Libertarians would revert to the Objectivist belief that if breaking noses is what you want to do, the act of breaking noses makes you a god. I was at a Cato Institute party and this wonk spoke of selling all public roads to private individuals. If I laughed any harder I could have fit his entire head into my mouth. Stupidity-7. Hatefulness-1. Mental Imbalance-5. Naivete-10.

Smokers: Smoking is an unhealthy, expensive, putrid smelling habit begun through insecurity and continued through addiction. In today's paper a lady said she wouldn’t quit because smoking "keeps her calm". Calm from what, withdrawal symptoms of addiction? Smoking is self-destructive, and if that makes you cool because it's dangerous you're probably also the biggest sucker for advertising and all other manipulations. I've known very educated smokers who on their own volition say they know they should quit - but they never do. How weak. Stupidity-8. Hatefulness-1. Mental Imbalance-4. Naivete-1.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Being Different

I try not to write about myself too directly. I don't do this zine to win friends and influence people, and it’s been proven that through this zine I don’t win friends and influence people. I don't stand on a soapbox and stare at myself in a mirror while yelling and waving my arms. I do this as a mental hobby. As far as you and I are concerned I'm a fictional character, and that's how I like it. I don't rush to the keyboard every time I stub my toe or can't go poopie, and for that the world should be eternally grateful.

Still, it's the end of another freaking year and time to reflect on my past and hopes for the future. Is there anything about myself I'd like to change? Not really, I'm pretty happy with who I've grown up to be. I have an honest sense of my strengths and weaknesses. My high and low esteems fight it out and as a result I often have no clue as to my place in the bigger scheme of things. It's hard enough to know yourself well, if at all, since what keeps most of us from spontaneously combusting is a series of big and small lies. I'm agnostic so I don't have the comfort or illusion of Faith. I'm driven by what Freud termed the "superego", which is the opposite of what it sounds like, so look it up, Poindexter. Because of this I have a greater sense of who I don't want to be, as opposed to who I am or should be.

In my mind I ask for little out of life and people. What I'm constantly finding to be true is that you have to try twice as hard to maybe get half of what you're looking for. As an agnostic it's tougher to come to strong conclusions. This doesn't stop me from having strong opinions, but the more I learn about things the more it strikes me that the best possible solutions involve compromises this world of fanatics I live in have no intention of making. Hating nazis and commies for what they represent is easy, but many social and political issues are complicated. I'm glad I don't have to make life and death decisions. All this conflicted thought leads to a sense of ennui that makes me coast rather than plan ahead. I walk around with a slight smile on my face because I'm trying to be patient in hopes the future will somehow be more satisfying. It's not a fake smile, it's a hopeful one. I wish more people smiled.

I wish I had more fun and knew more people beyond the "Hey how ya doin' nice to see ya is that a new haircut looks really good take care of yourself" exchanges I have all the time. Part of it is shyness and part is my advanced age where my people around me have moved on to marriage and children. Mostly I know I have little in common with most people, even (and maybe especially) the freaks and geeks who make up alternative culture, whom I overwhelmingly see as desperately acting out whatever it is that bothers them.

I'm eccentric, a label placed on me by others but I'm proud to be one. I tell people I mastered normal a long time ago and work on being interesting. It doesn't take much to be labeled different. In my case, all you have to do is watch B-movies, listen to strange music and not play golf. Reading a lot of books, magazines and newspapers, and retaining some information from each, is another way to be instantly labeled weird. Beyond that I'm shockingly trustworthy, ethical and downright boring so, to quote Robin Williams, "Joke 'em if they can't take a f--k." I got into new wave in the late ‘70s because I related to the fun, emotion and personality of the music. I have a personality, which takes thought and time to develop. Now it's all about attitude, which is something you buy or how closely you copy the cartoon characters of popular culture. Cyndi Lauper is a goddess of eccentricity. She created something different and fun. What's rap metal got to offer beyond gangsta hand gestures and faux-ghetto slogans?

On a certain level I envy the quote-unquote "average" person. The world conspires to provide them endless options for success and happiness. Imagine a world where every song on the radio is great, and it's ree! Envision cities and towns where 90% of everyone around you is pretty much like you, and your social options are potentially endless. Good for them. I don't feel I'm missing out on anything when I don't watch MTV. I am happy for my MTV-watching friends that it exists for them. My agenda doesn't involve world domination. It's mostly for assholes to leave me alone.

I like nice people who are nice to me. That's about it. I wish more people overcompensated for their insecurities and self-hatreds by being extra pleasant, not extra inconsiderate. I'm happy I'm different, even when I feel alone in a crowd of people I'm supposedly a part of. Would I join a group that would have me as a member? Sure, as long as I'm not required to do anything.

Whut Tha..?
Editor's Note: I received an e-mail from a gent by the name of "Trash The Green Laser Man". With it was a link to his web site, where along with a photo gallery of mangled human bodies was a list of his beliefs and this spiffy shot of him at the Burning Man ‘99 lunacy. I'd link to his site but I'm not into real gore, and yes I'm a censor and therefore everything that's wrong with the world.
 

Here's the world according to Trash The Green Laser Man:

My name is Trash. If you don't like it you must be too uptight for my planet so please leave, better yet please kill yourself. I am a 30ish male living in Denver, Colorado. Straight, but not narrow minded. If you are have sex in my bed I'd better be invited. Be good to yourself.

Personal Beliefs for a Better Planet: I am a devout Atheist. My two rules for living are stolen from Paganism and the Illuminati Trilogy. These are all the rules people need to live by.

1) Do what thou wilt, but harm none.
2) Think for yourself stupid.(thundered back down to Moses while he's asking god for advice)

Religion is a crutch for the weak. Those who are too foolish to think for themselves rely on books that have been translated thru different languages over a period of thousands of years. Any original truth if there was such a thing has been completely destroyed and twisted by now. Try telling a story to someone, then have someone tell it to someone else and so on for say 10 people. And translate it thru 3 languages. See what if anything is left resembling the 'truth'.

"Spirituality can not compensate for Stupidity" source unknown.

There is no after life, reincarnation, heaven or hell. I choose to live on after death by leaving a better world behind me and trying to destroy those people who consistently cheat, lie, steal, assault, rape, litter, mooch and generally hurt my world.

That which does not kill you makes you stronger.  Unless your a spineless twit.

I have a vasectomy and will not be having children of my own, however I still choose to leave a better place for my friend's children and the future generations. If I ever desire children there are any number of single moms out there. A number of my friends would be happy to let me time share their children a few days a week. Genetics don't make a good parent; being kind, loving and caring do.

Choose your friends well. A good friend can last a lifetime, a bad one can turn on you. If you are considering becoming good friends with someone who has no long term friends, at least 3-5 years, there is almost certainly something severely wrong with them. People who can't maintain friendships tend to use their 'friends' till they have sucked them dry. At the least be careful.

Your friends also reflect on you. Judge a person for what they are, but also judge them for the company they keep. If someone seems honest but all their friends are thieves and liars are you sure you should trust that person?

You are responsible for the people you introduce or bring to a friend's house. Don't bring dishonest people to your friend's house. It reflects badly on you when your friend gets ripped off by someone you introduced them to. Be responsible and a true friend.

Learn to trust the instinct of your close friends. Mine have kept me away from the wrong people a number of times. If you are unsure of John ask the people you trust about John. Sometimes I ask someone about someone and get an answer that disagrees with the way I feel about John. Then I look even closer at John for a while. Sometimes my instincts are wrong and I have to reevaluate why I thought what I thought.

Blood ties don't mean a damn thing. Family is the people who you trust and who trust you absolutely.

Sushi really is the food of the gods. Feed me some and watch me purr. Chocolate is the dessert of the gods. Or at least this god...

Save your aluminum cans and leave the bagful in the alley. This helps the homeless and is easier than recycling them yourself.

Money is not the root of all evil. Without a common medium of exchange we are screwed as a mass production society. Like a band wants 20,000 chickens each night they play. Sure we could share everything equally. If no one has a reason to succeed though we wouldn't have doctors, teachers, telephones, computers or cars.  If we make the same amount of money then no one has any reason to try harder, do more or create jobs.  Why be a doctor when any job pays the same.  Ambition, progress and capitalism all go hand in hand.

Tips, Shortcuts, and Advice:

How to get great drinks from a bartender you've never met and will never see again: Tell your bartender "Treat me like a patron you've had for ten years and I'll treat you like a bartender I've been tipping for ten years."

Dealing with religious freaks who wake you up: I answer the door naked and tell them "If you are going to wake me up you dam well better be here to blow me."

Cat Lovers: Instead of using cat litter try shredded newspaper with a little baking soda in the bottom of the pan. It stinks less and you don't get cat litter all over your house. It's also cheaper, weighs a lot less and is applied recycling.

Saving your Teeth: Pick up a sonic tooth brush. My teeth felt like I just had them professionally cleaned the first time I used it. I'd rather pay $100 for a great tooth brush than go to the dentist once. It doesn't hurt even if you have really bad teeth.  Flossing never hurts either.

The pros and cons of having sex with married people: Sleeping with married people is a lot like sleeping with a free prostitute. You know you're getting sex, you know they're going home and you don't have to pay for it On the down side is it morally ok? I say yes, because its not your fault they're sleeping with you. Maybe their spouse will shoot you anyways though. Unless it's okay though I wouldn't recommend sleeping with a friends spouse. Don't betray your friends.

Contact juggling and chess are two of my favorite pastimes.  The following books are by far the best of the best.  Trying to learn to play chess well without knowing My System by Aron Nimzowitsch is almost impossible.  There are thousands of chess books but that is the only one I've given away 5-6 copies of over the years.  It took Marcus from not playing to occasionally beating me in about 6 months. Almost all chess books are complete garbage for someone who doesn't play well already. Contact Juggling by James Ernest is the only well written book on on contact juggling.  If you've seen Labryinth, Michael Moschen the worlds best known contact juggler does some amazing work.

(1-25-01 e-mail response from a Mr. Oliver Klozov)

Damn it, that little punk ripped off my whole schtick!  I'm Garbage, the Red Laser Man, hell, I invented contact juggling when that twerp was pissing in diapers.  By the way, it actually says Garbage on my birth certificate.Trash is a poser of the worst kind.  I painted my wang too but I ran out of paint after the first five gallons.  I was being weird on purpose before this cat came along like he's the star of Burning Man or something.  Let me tell you, does this new generation have an original idea in its head or what? And performing the old "in out in out"  with married people, hell, I
boffed Cathy Lee Gifford.  Swear to God with my right hand on a stack of Bibles.  All right she was in a coma at the time and probably doesn't remember, but what the hey. i also did the deed of darkness with Barbara Bush but let's not talk about that...You tell that little bi-sexual I'll beat his ass the next time he comes to Muncie Indiana and tries to play chess.

When Being Yourself Isn't Good Enough

Punky Rocky, like all self-important movements, spits out more than its fair share of meaningless platitudes: “Anarchy!”, “If The Kids Are United, They Will Never Be Divided!”, “Think For Yourself!”, “Keepin’ It Real!”, “Punk as F—k!”, “Old School”, “Unity!”, “Don’t Care What Other People Think!” and all the other verbal graffiti the funny haircut set think gets under the skin of society (man!). Slogans are meaningless if they amount to empty promises and impossible expectations (but at least they're trying, man!), and they’re a sick joke when used as rationalizations for personal failures of word and action. People need to be judged by their intentions and deeds, not by how good they feel about themselves or how many others tell themselves the same lies. The excuse "I'm only human" should be punishable by death.

“In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.” They claim otherwise, but punks are easily led around by their nose rings. The worst influence is anarchy, an insane utopian concept that in comparison makes libertarianism look like fascism. To believe that crime, inequity and hatred comes from the existence of laws, government and social institutions is at best the daydream of a child’s mind, and at worst a violently dangerous psychoses. Smash The State / Before You Graduate / Then You Have To get A Job / And It's Too Late!

“Unity” is an us vs.them mentality that presumes life is an endless series of gang warfare exchanges. In a world of organized cruelty it’s nice to think good guys can defeat bad guys, but groups need to impose on themselves a higher standard than a formidable roll call and a fancy handshake. S.H.A.R.P. is great when they keep the nazi skins in their place, but when they extend their vigilantism to anyone who crosses their path the us vs. them becomes just another excuse to crack heads.

99% of those who yell at you to “Think For Yourself” are actually trying to tell you 100% how to think, feel and act. The idea of not caring what other people think is half-baked. To a certain extent you must care about what others think. Others let you know when you’re being a prick, and the advice of the right people can help you modify your own behavior so you don’t end up a friendless, pathetic turd your whole life. Since you have to deal with the world on a daily basis it’s good to care enough about what other people think to keep yourself and those around you from being miserable. If your goal is to be miserable, suck on a minty gun barrel and pull the trigger. Should we encourage pedophiles to not care what other people think? Of course not. We need to treat each other with respect and fairness. This runs counter to the fear, hatred, prejudice and other forms of aggressive meanness that reside in the human character. As a population, punks are no better than preppies and jocks, and often they’re worse. "Treat others as you yourself want to be treated" is bad advice when adopted by masochists.

As individuals we need to aspire to a workable set of standards that make us better people, not just self-satisfied. We can’t disregard the consequences of our actions. The game in life, and in being punk, is to know who the bad guys and the good guys are, and what’s the right and wrong thing to do. The end result should be a better you and a better world. Instilling self-confidence in morons is not the way to go, and if that's what punk is to you, mull over the sad fact that your brain is defective and the warranty may be long expired. 

God Bless Chick Tracts

If Jack T. Chick and his Evangelical Christian cartoon booklets didn't exist atheists would have to create him themselves. He's easy to make fun of and his tracts so full of stupid, condescending nonsense it's Exhibit A for anyone out to prove Christians can be both dumb and dangerous. Jack's full of righteous Christian hate and he's built himself a small empire selling religious tracts, T-shirts, books and videos for believers to leave at bus stops and send to loved ones (or better yet, to "witness" to strangers!).

Are Jack and his cartoon books dangerous? No matter how simplistic, stupid and hateful the message, it's hard to say yes sometimes because everything Jack touches is an unwitting parody of religious intolerance. Then again, simple messages appeal to simple minds. Chick tracts never advocate violence but they do beat home the "hate the sin, not the sinner" message that gets rationalized in into "sometimes you have to kill the sinner to destroy the sin".

Chick's cartooning skills are at an 8th grade level, and he fills his pages with snot-nosed redneck children and dirty animals who do pratfalls for comic relief. The expressions he puts on people's faces chew the scenery. It's impossible not to laugh and marvel at how screwed Jack's brain must be. You just know he wears checkered pants, a striped shirt and a soup-stained tie. He’s a goofy man who draws silly cartoons of heavenly intolerance for equally deluded mental shutoffs to leave in Dennys' bathrooms and the Men's section of magazine racks.

Every American has seen this tract whether they know it or not:

According to Chick more than sixty million copies have been sold in more than seventy languages.

Who is Jack T. Chick? He's the L. Ron Hubbard of evangelical Christian cartooning. Is he alive, dead or an imaginary character owned by a business venture using his name? Who the hell knows? There's a well-drawn line of full-sized comic books (and some tracts) that Chick publishes under his own name that I know he's not capable of drawing. I do know his 2 3/4" x 5", 24 page masterpieces of Evangelical propaganda are treasures to be owned and cherished for their simplicity, relentlessness and fanatical devotion to a God so filled with ego and hate an eternity of burning hell can only be avoided by pledging your life to getting others to pledge their lives to get others to pledge to Christ. And so on, and so on. It’s multi-level marketing for the soul. According to Chick good deeds mean nothing if you don't devote your life to God as he does. Mother Teresa is burning in hell as we speak because 1) She was Catholic and 2) She didn't convert others to Evangelical Christianity. A serial killer can embrace Christ the second before he dies and then zip up to heaven. Life is that simple if your brain is the size of a peanut.

Who does Chick target for conversion through the "witnessing" of Chick bible tracts? Catholics: Oh God does Jack hate Catholics. They're a subsidiary of Satan Inc. Jack sells tracts, books and videos for use in helping reach Catholics before it's too late. Titles include "Are Roman Catholics Christians?", "Why Is Mary Crying" and "The Death Cookie" ("Catholics believe a wafer is the Bread of Life. Introduce them to the real Bread of Life. Jesus Christ.") Both Catholics and Chick's brand of Christianity believe in death-bed conversions, but Jack is pissed Catholics charge money for the service; Mormons: "The Visitors" is a cool collection of facts on the science-fiction elements of the Mormon faith; New Agers; Jehovah's Witness; Buddhists; Hindus; Masonry (It's Satan Worship); Wicca; Muslims: If Iran gets a hold of "Allah Had No Son" there will a fatwa on Jack's head; Jews: Jack draws stereotypical cartoons of Jews that rival WWII nazi propaganda but he's relatively light on them since they must be in Jerusalem for the Messiah to come. His one tract on Jews, "Where's Rabbi Waxman", follows his standard plot that even the most holy of men burn in hell if they don't accept Christ, but his goal here is to explain why Christ is the Jewish Messiah.

That's the rub with Christianity and the source of their hatred of Jews -- Christianity is a sect of Judaism that Jews don't support. Christ was a Jew, he died a Jew and he's supposedly the Messiah of the Jewish people. Christians are in essence Jews who have created their own religion in the name of Christ being the Jewish Messiah.

Jack also hates Halloween, Christian Music, modern bible interpretations and independent thinking of any kind. The mention of "The Wizard Of Oz" must make his ass itch.

I came up with a great suggestion for a Chick tract. It's about a guy who always says "Bless You" when others sneeze. He's pretty secure about how nice he is for doing that until a poor simple Christian opens his eyes to the truth that he's damning himself and those he's blessing to burn in hell forever!! Sure it's polite to say "Bless You", but is he following up with full sessions of "witnessing" to spread The Word? "Bless You" is a missed opportunity God does not forgive, and we all know what happens when God feels scorned! By the end of the story, filled with random scripture quotes and images of Hades filled with Jews, Mormons and Catholics, our newly minted soldier for Christ now looks at each sneeze as an opportunity to preach the gospel, no matter how long it takes or how loud he has to be. He gets fired from his job for harassment and winds up homeless and alone, but from the gutter he smiles because he knows in heaven there's a cloud mansion with his name on it. The End. (copyright 1999, Old Punks Web Zine)

According to Chick you're "wasting God's money" if you buy less expensive religious tracts elsewhere. "Soul Winners" prefer Chick tracts because "people can't resist the cartoon format and the heart-stopping stories". And what stories they are. There are a few basic plot lines, my favorite the rich/cocky/wacky guy who learns from a simple janitor or stranger the way to the lord through Evangelical Christianity. The most popular tracts are the ones where a bully, biker or killer turns to putty once he hears the Truth of The Word.

You must visit the official Jack T. Chick site and this parody site.

I own 85 Chick tracts bought for a quarter each at weirdo book stores that see these things for what they are - proof the world is a sick yet funny place. My favorites are the Catholic ones, "Bad Bob", "Big Daddy", "Flight 144", "The Mad Machine", "The Sissy", "Tiny Shoes", "The Trial" and "The Visitors". As Stan Lee of Marvel Comics would say (and word has it Chick tried to draw for them ages ago), "Nuff Said!" 

Accept These 37 Easy To Learn Beliefs

And You Too Can Be An

Independent Thinker!

Everyone tries to pull you their way/then somebody tries to pull you back/they wanna fill your head with bulls--t/they wanna make you see the facts/making rules for you to follow/telling lies to keep you stuck/how much more are you gonna swallow/aren't you gonna tell 'em to get f--ked//Everybody with a point of view/tries to shove it down your throat/everything is up to you/analyze the beliefs you hold/people wanna turn you into something/into something that you're not/something that you'll never be/something that you don't want/Don't let those f--ckers drive you crazy/don't let 'em make you think you're weird/they wanna be like you/the sight of you makes them aware/reject their stagnant opinions/they see in black and white/don't think about the words that hurt you/you know what's wrong and right. --"Control Me" by The Vindictives.

"Give me an issue, I'll give you a tissue -- wipe my ass with it." -- Lou Reed

This is an essay on independent thinking. I can't tell you exactly how to do it, partly because that’s neither my job nor my place, but also because of all the Objectivity vs. Subjectivity debates, judging Existence is the hardest. You can't believe in Nothing, as that's Something too. If what you believe has no rhyme or reason you're probably nuts. So, you have to believe in Something. Everyone's pushing belief systems - religion, politics, psychology and smaller culture-based beliefs based on gender, ethnicity, size, shape, education, even your choice of favorite sport, food or music. Punk is the most dogmatic form of music, pushing everything from straight edge's 1000 rules for cleaner living, more left wing politics than you can shake a hammer and sickle at, and the never-ending exhortation to "think for yourself".

Life is a constant search for answers. "Why am I here?", "What do I want to eat?", "What happens if I stick a fork in the toaster?" It would be nice if all the answers could be found in one source, be it a religion, a political party, or even punk rock. Unfortunately these forces often create more problems than they solve. Why? Opposing beliefs clash and wars break out. Jew vs. Arab, communism vs. capitalism, punk vs. disco. Also, the very existence of those who believe the opposite of what you do seems to piss off a lot of people. It would be nice if everyone went about their lives in peace, but strong beliefs often lead to fanaticism and the imposition of control and conformity. The gamut runs from leaving religious pamphlets in bus stops to Mao's Cultural Revolution, where 500,000 bureaucrats, artists and academics were either killed, imprisoned, humiliated or "resettled".

I was an atheist until I realized atheism is its own religion. Religion is a science based on faith. Atheism is a faith based on science. True opposites are exactly the same except for one major feature. Now I'm agnostic, which is not atheism and not as simple as having no beliefs. It's a frame of reference that says conduct a lot of research and soul searching and come to conclusions, but keep in mind some answers are beyond comprehension. The concept of Infinity makes me think there may be a God. The question of who or what created God makes me think there may be no God. Since my niece developed cancer I've often prayed to a God who I don't even know exists. When one cancer was replaced by another cancer, pneumonia, or most recently Bell's Palsy, I strongly questioned God's existence. I still don't know and I never will. My belief in the possibility of heaven may come from my feeling so many people deserve to go to Hell. As long as they don't proselytize or wage holy war I think religion is a good thing. It provides answers and comfort to billions. Charity and good deeds should be the cornerstones of any good religion (or political system or any other belief for that matter!)

I've applied this "belief" to everything else - politics, psychology and culture. Politics is a continuous battle between opposing forces: Rich vs. Poor, Business vs. Labor, Environmentalist vs. Industry, and everything else under the sun of Us vs. Them. A Liberal is a conservative who’s been arrested. A Conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged. I believe these one-liners to be true. Winston Churchill said that if you're not a liberal by twenty you have no heart, and if you're not a conservative by forty you have no head. I believe in politics the most workable answers come from compromise. The process often fails and everyone walks away unhappy, but in a world of fanatics you know you've done the right thing when you've pissed off both sides evenly.

Many liberals are naïve (at best). Socialism and communism look decent on paper but always fail in a reality where greed and laziness are as ingrained as instincts. You can't force millions of people to forget about themselves and work for the benefit of The State. They pretend to work while the government pretends to pay them. In order to keep power communists have destroyed the free press, wiped out human rights and purged their own populations of anyone smart enough to yell "To Serve Man -- It's A Cookbook!" Capitalism requires a certain percentage of unemployment to create competition in the labor pool but it's worked far better in practice than communism ever did, while many socialist countries are really capitalist but with strong government controls. I've always wondered why communists in America don't move to communist countries. Why live in a country you hate? Do something productive. Go to Cuba and help keep communism humming. There’s a joke about an old lady in a restaurant who complains "the food here is horrible!, and the portions are so small!"

I hate the far left, no better than the far right, because they’re hypocritical when it comes to the genocides and others horrors of leftist regimes. They think they’re utopian, and in psychology utopia is a mental disorder. They turn intellectual cartwheels defending monsters like Lennin, Stalin and Mao, I can't stand Right Wing assholes either. The Ku Klux Klan are no more or less than American nazis. Some say the Civil War had little to do with slavery. Bulls--t. You know how when you get a fortune cookie you're supposed to read the fortune and end it with the words "in bed"? Whenever you hear a valiant explanation for what the South was fighting for, end it with the words "to own slaves". It's that simple. We give too many freedoms to nazis. They want to not only take away your freedoms but force you into slave labor and kill you by the millions, yet we give this scum the tools of our own destruction. I love the Amish, but if nazis took power they'd march all pacifists into the ovens out of contempt.

Punk is filled of politics, none more so than straight edge. SXE is great when you're in school because peers and consumer culture pull at you to conform, rebel, be bad, be good, buy this, reject that. Who to listen to – friends, parents, or maybe the TV you stare at five hours a day? When it began with Minor Threat and 7 Seconds, SXE said you didn't need to take drugs, drink or sleep around because peer pressure tells you to. Contrary to popular misconception, it also didn't say never have a beer or you can't have a relationship. It just said take control of your life, make your own decisions and think for yourself instead of blindly following orders. SXE then created its own legions of blind followers, and today's SXE movement is unrelenting in its demands of conformity. The command is "Think For Yourself" and the rules are endless. How ironic. Most people drop straight edge after a few years because the lessons, demands and screaming get annoying, and if you haven't internalized the positive aspects of SXE to where you don't need it anymore in a few years, your problems go deeper than you think.

Hey, look, I don't have all the answers, and I don't pretend to. These are my opinions. Anyone, be it a preacher, teacher, celebrity, friend, parent, politician, psychologist; whoever says they have all the answers is full of s--t. Albert Einstein once said intelligence is not what you know but knowing where to look things up. To this I add that true intelligence comes not from knowing all the answers but from having good questions. Life doesn't have to be a choice between opposing extremes. You're not a liberal just because you're not conservative, and you you don’t have to be an atheist just because you don't know if there's a God.

NYC (F)ART SHOW

A new front in the ongoing culture war opened at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. A controversial exhibit, "Sensation", has drawn the ire of NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani, who wants to cut government funding for the museum and evict them from their city-owned building. Forget about animal parts suspended in liquid and works that glorify pedophiles and child murderers. What has Rudy foaming at the mouth is a work depicting a black Madonna surrounded by nudie pictures and splattered with elephant dung.

With battle lines drawn, attendance shot up and protesters from both sides gathered with banners and bullhorns. Celebrities (experts on these issues) wrote letters of support for the museum while orthodox religious groups lined up behind the mayor invoking the wrath of God. The mayor is suing the museum and the museum is suing to protect their First Amendment rights. The rhetoric from both sides is hysterical. A majority of New Yorkers support the museum but Rudy's personal popularity is at an all-time high. He's accused of doing this to drum up support for his Senate race against Hillary Clinton, which he denies.

I doubt Rudy's doing this only for publicity. He jumps into these messes on a regular basis and believes in his causes. The First Amendment is important but I don't like when degenerate scumbags live off public money. Nazis should not be allowed to lay out their beliefs so Americans can decide for themselves. To label a lust for genocide "unpopular speech" is absurd. If I have to choose between total artistic freedom and a totalitarian religious-police state, I'll side with the artists, but that's not what's at stake here. You'll always have your nuts on either side demanding absolutes. Thankfully most of us live in the middle where limits and choices have to be made on a daily basis, and the answers aren't easy.

Taxpayers shouldn’t be required to pay for shockingly offensive art. Spare me the "who gets to decide what's offensive?" argument. Reasonable people can make these decisions, and adorning something as sacred as an image of the Madonna in animal s--t isn't something you and I should be paying for. The question isn't funding either all art or no art - it's about drawing a line as to what everyone should pay for and what only interested individuals should pay for.

Much of what passes for modern art is a joke anyway. The arts are littered with talent-challenged nobodies who dress pretentiously, act pretentiously and call everything they do Art. The definition of Art is left up to the artists themselves, who live in a world of their own hype and form allegiances to maintain their own sham cults of talent. Even a child knows the difference between a work of art requiring a level of skill and an old shoe painted blue and titled "mourning, 8 am". It takes talent to be in a band, even the worst ones. To be an artist all you need is to call yourself one.

I like art that takes chances and stays out of the mainstream. With art you hear a lot about "testing limits" and "tweaking sensibilities". I'm all for that. I just think there's a line, and once you cross that you're on your own as far as public funding. Who gets to make that determination? I do, ok? I'll be the sole judge of artistic merit. Better that than having to deal with the stupid argument that nothing can ever be done about anything because nobody has the right to make decisions. Bulls--t. Tough decisions are made every day by parents, teachers, judges, etc. Not all art should be subsidized by the government, just like we shouldn't fund every pentagon wish-list. Culture wars are fought at a number of levels, and rational people don't need to view it as a choice between total suppression and total freedom.

As a follow-up, the museum was not evicted and did not lose their funding. I stand with Rudy on his general points. 

Zine No Mo'
(3-31-02)

I've decided to stop writing The Old Punks Web Zine after five years and four months. The Endless Homework Assignment, my pet name for the zine, will be reduced to a smaller and almost image free site in order to conform to the rules of whatever free web host I decide to post it on. www.oldpunks will still work, barring a few days off-line to make the transition to the new host. Please try to see through the veil of tears you are crying and I'll sum it up for you.

I started the zine as a creative hobby and added to it every week until it became the world's largest non-corporate music content site. I make that claim not knowing for sure, but it's the internet, so who knows? Search engines are useless, and the worst thing to happen to punk sites as an ongoing endeavor was World Wide Punk's decision to stop accepting new links. As more search engines switch to the pay-for-play format, finding new punk links will be that much harder. People ask me why I don't have banners and make money from my site. It’s not as if anyone will click through a banner on my site and make a purchase, yielding me a whopping few pennies. I love exponential profit schemes, don't you? All my effort goes into contacting the spirit world for winning lotto numbers. My great uncle Stan came to me in a dream last night and said 7 was a good number. Five more and I'm set for life.

My outlook on life is agnostic and my politics a blend of all aspects of the spectrum. I find the far right to be mean and selfish, and the far left insanely naive and blind to the irony of their hypocrisies. It's easy to nail nazis for being wrong. The anarchy/marxist lunatic fringe is nuanced and therefore more fun to write about, and in the aftermath of 9-11, so many lefties deserve a beating, from usual suspect Gnome Chimpsky to Elizabeth Wurtzel, author of Prozac Nation, who had the nerve to say:

"I had not the slightest emotional reaction [to watching one of the World Trade Center Towers collapse]. I thought: 'This is a really strange art project.' ... It was a most amazing sight in terms of sheer elegance. It fell like water. It just slid, like a turtleneck going over someone's head.... It was just beautiful. You can't tell people this. I'm talking to you because you're Canadian.... I just felt, like, everyone was overreacting. People were going on about it. That part really annoyed me."

While the far right has the Christian Identity movement, which says Jesus was a Viking, the far left has marxism, which laughingly pushes "peace" and the new age slogan "Another World Is Possible". Hitler, Stalin and Mao were sides of the same coin, and anyone who follows these butchers deserves to be monitored by the FBI and encouraged to commit honorable suicide. Most Anarchists say they have good intentions. Too bad they're liars.

Here's my Sociology 101: Good, bad and indifferent people do all kinds of good, bad and indifferent things for all kinds of good, bad and indifferent reasons. Behaviorism, psychopathology, ideology and insanity mix and match to explain human behavior. It's a very inexact science but I ascribe to it. Behaviorism (logic) is easily mugged by the other three. The most evil people on earth are sociopaths. They enjoy screwing over the naive, the gullible and the lonely.

Proselytizing is condescending whether it's about religion, music, politics or brand of toilet paper. I have many opinions, and the more you read the more opinions you should have, but I've never written anything thinking I can convert people to my way of thinking. What I write is for entertainment purposes only, and no wagering is allowed. I get uncomfortable when someone writes saying they agree with me. I'm no leader, I'm just another putz with a web site. I lack the ego to think what I write will change the world, and I definitely lack the paranoia (also ego based) that drives people to scream for attention. Conspiracy theories are pathetic. The weak minded spin out of control with conspiracies and ideologies, while both reason and reality go out for a smoke.

A "generation" is based on the four year school cycles of grade school, high school and college. Young people don't trust old people, and old people don't like young people. 90% of anything cultural is worthless., and most people are sheep led around by their fears, hatreds and groins. Men are assholes and women are insane. Attitude is easy. Personality is hard. "Real" is always applied to the lowest common denominator of human behavior. That's nihilistic. Someone still needs to explain rap to me. Cigarettes are a habit started through insecurity and continued through addiction. Don't call yourself "punk". You're a person who likes punk music, ok? Grow up and calm down. Try your best, and if that doesn't work, cheat!

So there you have it. Thanks for stopping by!

The Ombudsman Types

Hi, my name is Elmer Lipshitz, the Ombudsman at The Old Punks Web Zine. It's a thankless job because nobody thanks me. It's problematic being the reader's advocate and internal voice of conscience when most of you readers have no conscience and the staff at Timmy, the zine's real name, have no ethics or standards. I want to take this opportunity to explain the origins of this fine publication and its purpose in the greater scheme of things.

THE HISTORY OF THE OLD PUNKS WEB ZINE

Timmy was founded in 1976 by Smelvin McGhee, who made his first mark on history in the 1950s with his patent for the "Baby Bucket" - a device that both removed the need for diapers and enabled parents to carry their babies with one hand, freeing the other for smoking, which was then required by law. Since there was no internet back then, the zine was transmitted via morse code over what remained of the Western Union Telegraph System. McGhee, whose later life resembled that of Howard Hughes, except on a 1/100,000,000th scale, shuffled around his efficiency at the Rustic Retreat Motor Lodge on Rt. 47 in generic tissue paper boxes and only mentioned every so often he wanted to eat ice cream for every meal.

Smelvin McGhee enjoyed clucking along to the song "Popcorn" on the radio bolted down to his room's dresser, and he often wrote long, mostly illegible letters to composer Philip Hassey thanking him for writing a song whose seemingly sole purpose was to allow Smelvin the chance to repeatedly affix his tongue tightly to the top of his mouth and then slam it down to the bottom, creating a clucking sound whose tone could be altered only by grotesquely distorting his face. McGhee entrusted the task of creating and operating the zine, then called "The Journal Of Musical Mouth Manipulation", to his nephew Earl, freshly graduated from "college", a common euphemism for prison. Earl, as part of his mandated "home study", sat next to his uncle each week and pretended to tap out morse code, waiting for the old man to put him in his will and then die. Smelvin McGhee died in November, 1996 of congestive fart failure. Gas built up in his colon and he eventually exploded. Penniless, his usable (and findable) body parts were auctioned to pay past rent. Earl was sent back to "school" for killing "the next f--ker who doesn't know the difference between 'a gnostic' and 'agnostic'".

Emerson Shiff founded The Old Punks Web Zine in January of 1997. He had never heard of Smelvin, Earl, or even Timmy.

OLD PUNKS WEB ZINE STANDARDS AND PRACTICES

There are none. Thank you, come again!....

In 1997 Emerson asked me to come up with a full-color prospectus and middle finger puppet show on ideas for The Old Punks Web Zine that would facilitate separating venture capitalists from three million dollars in start-up costs. I suggested commonplace consultant jargon like "holistic synergy", "anticipatory paradigms" and "assessing differentiable communities", which he rejected out of hand because, as he always reminds me, "I don't understand too good." Emerson insisted instead on "Get in on the pyramid scheme before it collapses!" in big letters with "pictures of biker chicks and explosions and booze bottles with 3 X's on it and s--t!" Needless to say, The Old Punks Web Zine is a cash sinkhole.

Despite Emerson's mantra that it's best not to think, I have noticed a few recurring themes. The ideology is anti-ideology because ideologues are hypocritical lying bastards who define themselves and the world in terms of who they hate, and they live their life like it's a war. We share a whimsical chortle about how conspiracy theories are treated as supernatural occurrences, and the huge ego component of paranoia and those who feel they must tell the world -before it's too late!

The core of belief here is agnostic, which involves research and introspection, and does not preclude strong opinions. Some issues are easy, others intractably unsolvable, and we're glad we don't have to make any tough decisions. Hitler = Bad. Ass Scratching = Good.

We try to be patient with those who mean well, but it's alternately funny and annoying that those with the strongest opinions on life are often those who’ve experienced it the least. There’s little satisfaction in knowing 99 % of today's belligerent high school and college anarchists will one day become tax-hating capitalist pigs. The rest become hateful ideologues like Gnome Crapsky, the Pat Buchanan of the far left.

Emerson came up with a theory on why people become who they are and act the way they do, and it infects the zine like a plague. When he's not collecting trash on the side of the highway as part of his community service, he works on his theory and cackles that "they" (the mental health industry) would kill him if his theory ever got out. It's not his paranoia that annoys us, it's the way he twitches and talks like Peter Lorre. Basically, the various (and sometimes interlocking) factors are behaviorism, psychopathology, ideology and insanity.

The Old Punks Web Zine
5th Annual Report

As you all know, since you follow this zine like there was a Captain Oi! secret decoder ring at the bottom of the box, there was no 4th Annual Report. This was due to the fact that nothing ever changes, and I could do this report every year with a rubber stamp. Five years. That's 107 in internet e-zine years, and boy is my ass tired.

As far as I know I do the world's largest non-commercial music e-zine of any kind. Like I always point out, that means the rest of the world is lazy or stupid. That, or the internet is a waste of time because search engines organize it so ineffectively. I once kept up with new punk sites at World Wide Punk, but Victor stopped accepting links. Someone send that boy a program that checks dead links and maybe he'll start up again. Many sites have most of their pages "Under Construction", while others start big and then never update. I stole a lot of great clipart in my day.

I create this site using the free Composer program that come with Netscape. I use the 4.78 version because it's easier and better than the 6.2 update. Why they made the new one less usable is beyond me.

In five years I've received maybe ten review CDs in the mail. I recently took off my home address. An unemployed psycho poet in Canada was sending me funny hate e-mails with computer virus attachments because I wrote something negative about a famous Los Angeles incident where two heavily armed and armored bank robbers outgunned the police for thirty minutes in a street battle out of a Terminator movie. One of them died in the street and I wrote I was outraged someone was suing the police on his behalf for not getting him medical attention in time. It takes all kinds, I guess.

I've been accused of picking on left wing kooks more often than right wing kooks, but until September 11 the love was split down the middle. The current crisis has brought out the worst in the fringe left so that's what I've been dwelling on lately. I will continue to do so. The choice is not between Gnome Chimpsky and Pat Robertson. They're both losers.

There are no profits to report and the forecast for 2002 is hazy. On a positive note, the horrible smell of nail polish remover from the nail salon below my apartment has subsided. That, or the fumes finally burned out whatever part of my brain recognizes the odor. Either way I win! 

Movin' On Up To The Eastside

The Old Punks Web Zine has moved to ewebcity from Earthlink, PLUS! it sports the cool address of "www.oldpunks.com", which replaces http://home.earthlink.net/~emerson7/oldpunks.htm. Yahoo, after 3 and 1/2 freakin' years, still refuses to list my site, but that's ok because this internet thing is a fad anyway, and any day now they'll all be out of work! ewebcity gives me 30 megs free, unlimited bandwidth and there’s no ad requirements. The catch is they limit the technical capacities of the free sites in hopes of having me upgrade to the pricier service. I have no technical capacity so if I couldn’t care less if my site doesn't support integrated puss reflux imbedding of shmegma files.The ewebcity server is really fast free! Free, ah say free!

I started with free space from a small ISP in the DC area, which quickly changed owners and URLs, so, all my efforts to get the site listed with search engines were for poop. I switched to Earthlink, a national ISP, thinking I wouldn't get screwed like that. Wrong. Shortly after I signed up they reassigned home pages from "www" to "home", in essence bending me over once again. Fine, it's my fault because my "kick me" sign was flashing.

Earthlink isn't bad but they go out of their way to remind you the 6 megs of free space you get with your monthly access fee of $19.95 is a marketing tool despised by the technical and bean-counting branches of the company. Let’s just say that to them I'm a distant relative who doesn't bathe and conveniently drops by during dinner to complain about my rectal wart "issues".

I'll keep Earthlink for a while so I can re-direct traffic to the new site. They don't give you a courtesy forwarding page like most other ISPs. Hopefully by that time I'll find a free internet service that won't clog up my screen with ads. With the new 30 megs I'll be able to post my cartoon pages again and do other stuff without fear of being charged for taking up too much space or not being a Scientologist (yes, Earthlink is run by Scientologists). I'm sorry Battlefield Earth tanked, but they shouldn't take it out on their customers.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

Old Punks Web Zine Third Annual Report

I've been doing this for three years, every week, no matter what. Why? Who the hell knows? Every once in a while I get a free CD in the mail, which is nice. I laugh when I see web zines asking for free CDs. I'm sure at the beginning they can't sleep because of all the great free stuff that'll start rolling in. Oh yeah. Like Calvin waiting for his beanie cap with the propeller on top. People ask why I don't post banner ads on my site. It has nothing to do with so-called punk integrity. I'd sell out for a Snickers bar. It just doesn't seem worth the time and hassle. As if I'll skip to the mailbox every month for my 45 cent check from Fastmusic.com. Ponzi scenes annoy me and that's the promise of the internet as far as personal pages go. Get paid by the click my shaved ass.

A few weeks ago I put a counter on page 1. It took me three years to figure out how to do that. It’s called "The Counter" and it's free with no banner requirements. The stats are interesting, so here's what I've learned about how people get to my site and what they do once they get there. I see that a lot of people surf around very quickly and don't spend much time on any given page. There's not many direct references from search engines because you can give them your URL all day but that's no guarantee you'll come up when someone enters the appropriate keywords.

Hits for 1 month period: 1,378 distinctive; 1,938 total. Operating System: Windows 98, 48%; Windows 95, 38%; Windows NT, 7%;Macintosh, 2%; Web TV, Misc. Unix and Unknown, 5%. Web Browser: Microsoft Explorer 4.x, 37%; Explorer 5.x, 33%; Netscape 4.x, 22%; Explorer 3.x, 3%; Netscape 3.x, 2%. Domain: .com, 45%; .net, 22%; unknown, 8%; .edu, 5%; Sweden (.SE); 2%; Canada (.CA), 2%; Educational (.EDU), 2% United Kingdom (.UK), 1%; GERMANY (.DE), 1%; FRANCE (.FR), 1%; FINLAND (.FI) NETHERLANDS (.NL) AUSTRALIA (.AU) UNITED STATES (.US) Organizations (.ORG) SPAIN (.ES) MALAYSIA (.MY) IRELAND (.IE) GREECE (.GR) BELGIUM (.BE) ARGENTINA (.AR) CZECH REPUBLIC (.CZ) US Government (.GOV) JAPAN (.JP) NORWAY (.NO) SWITZERLAND (.CH) PORTUGAL (.PT) MEXICO (.MX) BRAZIL (.BR) DENMARK (.DK) ICELAND (.IS) AUSTRIA (.AT) ITALY (.IT) US Dept of Defense (.MIL) LUXEMBOURG (.LU) COLOMBIA (.CO) RUSSIAN FEDERATION (.RU) SINGAPORE (.SG) INDONESIA (.ID) CROATIA (.HR) CYPRUS (.CY) NEW ZEALAND (.NZ) HUNGARY (.HU), 11%. Days Of The Week: Sunday, 15%; Monday, 16%; Tuesday, 15%; Wednesday, 13%; Thursday, 12%; Friday, 14%; Saturday, 11%. Hits from search engines: altavista, 22 hits (44%); yahoo, 14 hits (28%); lycos , 6 hits (12%); hotbot.com, 5 hits (10%); goto.com, 2 hits (4%).Samples of search engine queries : punks gallery images, punk cartoons, rock jokes, punk rock zine, +punk +rock +cartoons, punk rock concert reviews, wall of vodoo (It's as if the same person has been misspelling "voodoo" 8 times so far), chuckie cheese music, punk_rock_zine, punk patches, strange culture, old school punk rock.

The Old Punks Web Zine

Second Annual Report

Yep. The Old Punks Web Zine is two years old, which is 46 in internet years. I've added to it each week and now it's probably the world's largest original content punk site. I'm not impressed either because the internet is as much of a lark today as it was 24 months ago. Compared to print zines the internet zines are still a novelty. You need a computer to access it, download times are slow, lack of writing skill is covered up with flashy graphics, sites randomly exist and then disappear, outdated pages litter the electronic landscape, search engines are useless, annoying pop-up screens get in your face when you're unfortunate enough to visit one the free pages from Tripod and Geocities - all in all there's not much nice to say about punk on the internet, or the internet in general, beyond that it's a cool technology that allows people access to information and entertainment. And porn, which is both.

I would never do a print zine as it's a lot of work. I tip my hat to you real zine people out there. If you printed this entire zine it would take over 275 pages, yet the space comes free with my monthly access fee. I update every Sunday no matter what, but there's no reason to beyond my own anal retention. 95% of all punk sites get updated maybe once a month. The punk internet is mostly school kids who create web sites as graded projects, or who use the school's computers to create vanity sites to show the world who they are and what bands they like. During the summer and other school breaks the punk internet is a ghost town. Punk labels don't advertise at punk sites because they're not a viable means of reaching any discernable bunch of potential buyers. It's better to put an ad in any old print zine than take a risk on what a punk web site has to offer. The medium is still too new. The punk internet is still seen as more of a toy than anything else – and maybe rightfully so.

I don't have a counter so I don't know if I do this for the world or just so I can tell people I do it - like I'm some big shot. On one level having done this for two years is an accomplishment. Very few web zines last this long, and I doubt anyone else adds original content each week as I have. On another level the internet is still an infant and the overall quality of what ends up here is usually garbage. Is my site well-reviewed because it's good or because most internet punk sites just plain suck?

The rewards of doing this have been reading some interesting e-mails and getting a few CDs in the mail. There's no money to be made and no fame either. The second I stop paying my monthly fee to Earthlink this zine disappears as if it never existed. All I'll have to show for it is a copy from my printer, a copy on a floppy disc, and a hobby that kept me busy and entertained for a few years of my life. There's worse ways to spend a few hours a week, I imagine.. 

2 things I've learned about the Internet:

1) Unless you have the same font on your system that I'm using on my system, you won't be able to see my fonts as anything but a really boring, generic set of letters. I use fonts that make Wired magazine look like The Reader’’s Digest. Some of these fonts can induce LSD flashbacks and kidney stones. I'm sorry if these pages aren't as radical, Dew-slammin', cutting-edge, funky fresh as you techno-nerds out there like 'em.

2) Sometimes friends tell me they can't find my pages no matter what, and I thought maybe my ISP just wasn't on the same information highway as the Big Boys. Not so at all. What happened was that porno blocking software was blocking access to my site because I pepper the front page with the word "Hardcore" - the same word used for images of pee-pees and tushies. So, I changed all the hardcores to HC, the universal abbreviation for such things. Whenever you see HC, say "I'm Hard...To The Core!!", yelling the last part while slamming your clenched-fisted forearms into each other in front of your face in the shape of a straight-edge "X". This isn't from the old days or anything, I just think it's hysterical. 

What This Zine Is About (1997 edition)

Journalism 101 teaches that a story has to answer the following: Who, What, When, Where, and Why? For the old punks web zine:

WHO? -- Call me Ishmael... no, no, my name is Emerson Shiff. I’m 35 years old, 20 years older than your average punk rocker. I got into new wave with Elvis Costello and Devo, then moved toward punk and hardcore when new wave became disco/top 40/alternative around 1981. Who is an old punk? Everyone with more than a year in calls themselves scene veterans. Besides that, you have the Ancient Ones (pre-Sex Pistols), Geezer Punks (1977-80), and the Old Timers (1980-85?). Old School is a load of crap, and about as useful as Post-Modern is to the art world. Old punks were born before 1965 (the Gen X cut-off year) and of listening/buying age when new wave and punk first broke in the ‘70s. These are loose definitions, but I do know old punks are not straight edge. Either you drink, don't drink, or are in AA.

What? -- The Old Punks Web Zine is a forum for old (and new) bands and ideas that fit into new wave and punk culture. I group new wave and punk together for a reason - they had more in common than most will admit. New Wave was punk's wimpy cousin but bands like Devo and the Buzzcocks are two of the most influential bands in punk history. What is punk? I'm no expert, but to quote former supreme court justice Potter Stewart on pornography, "I know it when I see it." Punk and new wave were not heavy metal, and they certainly weren't disco. Over the years many punk bands turned metal, and new wave morphed into disco. Industrial became techno, which is disco for pissed off, bi-curious white guys. Clubs will put on "New Wave" nights playing Duran Duran and Culture Club. New Romance helped kill new wave. New Wave started with people like Elvis Costello, Iggy Pop and Graham Parker. This is the new wave this zine will cover. I hope to offer living snapshots of a time almost lost and forgotten. It's as much about today as it is twenty years ago. My opinions are no more than words, but they are the foundation of the Old Punks Web Zine. I’ll name names, label everythin, and give my heroes a swift kick in the butt every now and then. As it should be.

When? -- Let's get this out of the way. Millions of years ago a cave person called "OG" beat a stick against a rock and liked what he heard. All music that followed is derived from Og's work. Then, in the 1970s Iggy became a Stooge, the MC5 kicked out the jams, the Velvet Underground waited for the man, the NY Dolls got into drag, the Dead Boys died, The Ramones blitzkrieg bopped, and the Sex Pistols shot their load too soon. The rest is history.

Where? -- Depending on your agenda, punk and new wave either started in the U.S. or the U.K. The most popular bands came out of England, but their sounds were American in origin - directly from R&B, surf, and bubblegum pop. New Wave is no more and punk is all over the map. The U.S. produces by far the bulk of new product.

Why? -- Why do this Zine? I miss the old days when you could dance to both new wave and punk, both without disco beats or a heavy metal mind(less) set. Why is fifteen the average age of a punk? Does the culture and music become meaningless once you enter the 9 to 5 world? Did new wave mean something or was it just another in a line of fads? These questions and more will be addressed.

 .Back To Home PageTo Next Page